JOKES

from ASKTHEBIBLE.COM (Updated 7 July 2010)

When God gave Moses two tablets.

How long did Cain dislike his brother?
Jokes As long as he was Abel.

********* A pastor decided to visit his church members one Saturday. At one particular house it was clear to the pastor that someone was home, but nobody came to the door. The pastor knocked several times and finally took out his card and wrote on the back:

Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me."

The next day the same card showed up in the collection plate. Below the pastors message was another scripture passage.

It read Genesis 3:10 - "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself." *********

Where in the Bible does it say that men do the dishes?
Jokes 2 Kings 21:13 "...and I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down to dry."

What was Noah's greatest worry?
Jokes The pair of mosquitoes.

What's the greatest case of constipation in the Bible?
Jokes Satan the devil. Revelation says he will be bound up for a thousand years! (Rev 20:2 KJV)

Where is the first example of cannibalism in the Bible?
Jokes Two Kings Ate One!

Who is the shortest person in the Bible?
Jokes Bildad the Shuhite! . . . or . . .
Jokes Knee High Miah! . . .or . . .
Jokes Peter (when he slept on his watch) . . . or . .
Jokes Jesus (when He spoke on a mustard seed)


Who is the largest woman in the Bible?
Jokes The woman of Some area (Samaria Jn 4)

How do we know Moses wore a wig?
Jokes Sometimes he was with Aaron and sometimes he wasn't!

When is the first food fight mentioned in the Bible?
Jokes "I looked and behold a flying roll!" (Zech 5:1 KJV)

Do you know the phone number for the Garden of Eden?
Jokes Adam 8-1-2!

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
JokesNebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jokes1). Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a FURY.

Jokes2). David's TRIUMPH was heard throughout the land.

Jokes3). HONDA...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Jokes4). 2 Corinthians 4 v 8 describes going out in service maybe in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed."

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
JokesSamson. He brought the house down.

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
JokesIn the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
JokesThey were really put out.

Why couldn't Noah's wife and sons play cards on the Ark?
Jokes Because Noah sat on the deck.

What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
JokesThey really raised Cain.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
JokesYour mother ate us out of house and home.

The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
JokesThey used floodlights.

Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
JokesDavid. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
JokesThe thought had never entered his head before.

What do they call pastors in Germany?
JokesGerman Shepherds.

What is the best way to get to Paradise?
JokesTurn right and go straight.

Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
JokesMoses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
JokesThe area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
JokesBecause in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
JokesWhen Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Where was the first cricket match mentioned in the Bible?
JokesAt Pentecost when Peter stood up with the eleven and was bowled. (bold)!!.

Did you know that Paul was the 1st surfer in the Bible?
JokesRemember in Acts when he "came ashore on a board"!.

Which Bible character had no parents?
Jokes(1) Joshua, son of Nun
Jokes(2) Jonah, because he was brought up by a whale.

How do they make holy water?
Jokes They boil the hell out of it!

************ From Colin (UK)

One day, Jesus and the Devil were having a discussion about who was best, so God suggested a typing competition. So God sat them down at two computers, one each, and told them to type up an article written on a piece of paper. The first to complete the typing would win.

Anyway, both Jesus and the Devil were typing away frantically, when there was a power cut and both computers switched off. Their typing work had disappeared from the two screens.

When the power was restored, and the computers re-booted, Jesus's work re-appeared on his screen, but the Devil could get nothing back and had lost all his work. So Jesus was declared the winner. The Devil complained bitterly to God saying that it wasn't fair at all and demanded a rematch, but God said,

"Stop whinging Satan, you know why Jesus got his work back - everyone knows "JESUS SAVES!"

************ From Dave Okunade

One Saturday the Pastor's 5 year old daughter complained of a stomach ache to her mother. Her mother replied, "That's because you have an empty stomach. You need to feed it with something."

The next day her father sat down after a long sermon and complained of a headache. His daughter replied, "That's because you have nothing in your head you need to feed it with something."

************ From John Mason

We know that the Apostle Paul was a tent maker. What was his other occupation?"

A Baker of course, The Bible says he went to "Fill a Pie".

************



We are happy to add additional jokes to the site. Please email us and state your name. Your Jokes must be of the clean variety and not blasphemous of course. EMAIL us your Jokes

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